I cannot promise this will make complete sense. There are HUGE thoughts wrapped in these few sentences, so take from it what you will.

Over the years, I’ve come to the realization/belief that things don’t happen TO people, things happen BECAUSE of people. Good times, bad times, etc., are only defined as such by the people who lived them. Basically, an experience is what you make of it. It sounds like an easy concept, and one to which many people subscribe, but yet I still hear people say all the time, “Why is this happening to me?” or “How could that have happened to you?”. It might just be the way we communicate concern or care, but I think it is destructive.

As an extreme example, my father’s passing isn’t something that happened TO me. My father died an unexpected death and I was his daughter. As his daughter, my life was affected greatly. Did it help shape me? Sure. But, I wouldn’t go as far as to say it “changed” my life. How could I possibly know it changed a life I hadn’t lived yet? It WAS and IS my life. It didn’t happen TO me. I am the woman I am today because of the choices (good and bad) that I’ve made in response to that life event.

In essence, I guess I’m saying that we should take responsibility and/or credit for the things that happen in our lives. Again, it is easier said then done, but even though we live in a world where everyone is interconnected, we are all still our own self. And the way one person processes/rationalizes something is unique to that person. So you cannot expect others to process or rationalize things the same way. I’m talking to myself now, you see. :) Although the above thoughts are ones I strongly believe, I also understand they are just the way _I_ have chosen to interpret this life I’m living. So I must also not judge/criticize others who hold different beliefs.

My weekend in Atlanta was a whirlwind of excitement and we had a great time. The audition went well, but I didn’t walk away with an answer, which usually means it’s time to move on. I’m really proud of what I presented to the judges and casting agents, so that’s all I can do! It was very valuable experience and I’m very glad I went through with it.

But now it’s time to get back to work!

Thanks to Jim Voorhies for this one.

Found on the internets:

ISTJ – God, help me to begin relaxing about little details tomorrow at 11:41:32 am
ISFJ – Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right
INFJ – Lord, help me not be a perfectionist (Did I spell that right?)
INTJ – Lord, keep me open to others’ ideas, wrong though they may be
ISTP – God, help me to consider people’s feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive
ISFP – Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if You don’t mind my asking)
INFP – Lord, help me to finish everything I sta
INTP – Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
ESTP – God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they’re usually not my fault
ESFP – God, help me to take things more seriously especially parties and dancing
ENFP – God, help me keep my mind on one thing – Look, a bird – at a time.
ENTP – God, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I’ll settle for a few minutes
ESTJ – God, help me to try not to run everything, but if You need some help, just ask.
ESFJ – Lord, give me patience and I mean right now
ENFJ – God, help me to do only what I can and trust You for the rest. Do You mind putting that in writing?
ENTJ – God, help me to slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdoAmen

On a day like today, September 11th, many thoughts enter the mind that wouldn’t necessarily enter it on any other day. Thoughts of sadness, anger, reflection and consolation. Thoughts shared by an entire nation, some shared by the entire world. And it is a day that unites people in a way no other day can.

It is also a day that highlights the days that are more personal, days that hold individual meaning, individual sadness, individual memory. People who lost loved ones on this day are both burdened and blessed by such significance. They have stories of heroism, innocence and bravery which they can share with anyone, and be understood by everyone.

9 years and 6 days prior to the Sept 11th tragedy, I lost my father. A loss that is shared solely by my brother, my mother, and those very close to our family. The story I hold onto is uniquely mine. An unusual impulse gift of Rollerblades I call “the magic skates” and breakfast at a nearby family restaurant. The last one to hear “I love you” from Scott Egan.  The note card left on the doorbell by the police who had stopped by, trying to deliver the news in person. The phone call to the hospital as my mom stood in shock, composing herself to explain to her 12-year-old girl that her father isn’t alive anymore. Waiting for my brother to come home from camp, and hiding in the house while our pastor explained to a screaming teen that his father had died. Standing in a line at church while people passed to offer their words of love and condolence. Deliveries of lasagna, pasta, salad and more…when all I really wanted was fried chicken.

There are plenty more vivid memories I can’t bring myself to type. Not today. Not when I’m supposed to be sad with the world. 10 years.

Next September 5th will be 20 years without my father.

Yesterday I had the first of a series of acupuncture sessions and the jury is still out, but I have faith. He said he was starting slow or he could make it worse before it gets better. First off, no, it didn’t hurt. It felt like he was barely tapping on my skin when he was inserting the needles. After a few minutes, some of the areas started to get warm. In the most tense area, I could feel my muscles twitching around the needle until it eventually relaxed. But there was no pain.

Afterwards I didn’t feel much different, except maybe more relaxed. Then again, I had just laid on a table in a dark room for 45 minutes too. The area of concentration did not feel more relaxed either…in fact, I may have felt a little more sensitivity in that area throughout the rest of the day.

But, I know it is going to take a few sessions, and I’ve heard great things about it so I’ll stick in there. Pun intended. :)

On my way to work today, I was rear-ended by a bicyclist. Yes, a bicyclist. And, of course my first thought was, “Oh my god, I’m sooo sorry”!!

I was attempting to make a left turn on a yellow light, but when the car in front of me turned left, I realized another car was coming straight from the opposite direction, so I stopped to let them through. Ba-BAM! A bicyclist who apparently wanted to make the light on my heels slammed into the back of my car, flew off his bike and landed in the road. He must’ve been going very fast when he hit my car…so its not like he was just sitting behind me and accelerated when I accelerated. He was trying to catch the light even way further back than I was.

He got up, shook himself off, gave me the finger, and then got back on his bike to cross the road. At this point, I was in the middle of the street…a red light in my direction, and stunned on lookers in all directions. I pulled forward to get out of the intersection, met up with the bicyclist, rolled down my window and asked if he was okay and if we needed to exchange information, etc.I was trying to treat it like a car-on-car accident and that’s what I would’ve done for that. I’m generally very friendly and accommodating towards bikers. I give them plenty of space in the road and treat them like other vehicles, but with pedestrian gloves. I was trying to be nice. Responsible.

He just said, “No, I’m fine. You can go.”

As I pulled away, still feeling shameful and completely at fault, I began to think about it more. Let’s see, if it really had been a car-on-car accident, and a car slammed into me from behind….no matter what I was doing, the accident would’ve been considered his fault. I stopped to prevent hitting another car that had the right-of-way. I did the right thing (even though I was then blocking an intersection and obviously trying to get through a yellow light). Really, the person at fault would’ve been the person behind me.

I haven’t even checked my car to see if his helmet and/or bike left an impression on the rear of my car. I guess I should. *humph*

I had the strangest dream last night. Actually, it was this morning after my initial alarm went off and I fell back asleep for another hour. It started in this building somewhat like an airport, but we were on the ground level and there were no windows between us, the on-lookers, and the people outside, who seemed to be some sort of military group. They were running away from the building towards another large object, but I don’t know what it was. I remember one of them said something like “You all better say your final goodbye’s….”. We weren’t scared, but we turned around and started walking away. You’d think that would take us further into the building, but, as dreams go, the building kinda faded away and we were floating when we heard the explosion. I turned back and could see people disintegrating in a very movie-like fashion. Like when people are burned up by some magical substance….and they don’t feel it but just turn to dust, you know. Floating dust. Whatever surge it was that was annihilating people was coming straight for me and all of the sudden I became an outsider looking in and could see myself being disintegrated. I remember feeling tingly, but it wasn’t painful.

Then there were a few moments of nothingness. Which I describe as dark, quiet, and still. But then shortly after, the whole group of us started to appear on what seemed like a beachfront, walking up from the water (but not necessarily coming FROM the water) over the sand, towards an area of palm trees. Shortly after the palm trees was a little hut that lead to a larger village of buildings where there was obvious activity.

I remember hearing people around me saying things like “is this heaven?” and “where are we?”, etc. We walked up to the hut where there were guards processing everyone through. Part of the processing was assigning living quarters and instructing us to go get our monetary allowance at this nearby shop. It really looked like a gift shop you’d see at Disney World. I walked up to the counter with another person who appeared to be with me and we said something like “yeah, we’re newbies and we need our money???”. The details after that were very few and far between. But there was an overwhelming nervousness in the air around me. _I_ wasn’t nervous, but everyone else was like “this can’t be heaven! it’s just like real life!” and then unsaid thoughts like “if this is the afterlife, and everyone is here, and there are no streets paved with gold, and we’re going to have to live in apartments again, etc…..why did we work so hard to be “good”? we could’ve had more fun!”

And my friend and I were just smiling. Cause we knew we’d had a lot of fun. :)

Next time I make a “private appointment” and put it on my calendar, I should at least give myself some hint as to what it was. If I missed a lunch with you today or some other commitment, I’m very sorry. I’d love for someone to fill me in!!

In other news, my 28 day challenge is OVER!! Woo hoo! Now I just have to come up with a new one to keep things going. I’m thinking of focusing more on muscle strengthening instead of cardio…or a mix of the two, but I definitely need to start toning!